WASHINGTON — The turkey pardoned by President Donald Trump has had multiple contacts with Russian officials over the past year, Duffel Blog has learned.
Grav E. Gobbles, a 4-year-old bird from western Minnesota, received a pardon Tuesday during a ceremony in the Rose Garden. But how Gobbles was able to secure a presidential pardon has come under scrutiny, sources say.
According to sources, Gobbles met privately on multiple occasions with Russian officials over the past year, leading some to allege a pumpkin pie-to-play scheme. In one instance, for example, Gobbles spoke with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, though the details of what was discussed are still unknown.
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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The US Army will rename the cables used for most wheeled and tracked vehicle platforms to jumpstart dead batteries from slave cables to freedom cables, sources confirmed today.
“It came to the attention of the Chief of Staff that the name slave cable was incredibly insensitive to our African-American Soldiers, some of whom may trace their family history back to the time of slavery,” Sgt. Maj. of the Army Daniel A. Dailey said in a statement.
The naming issue was first raised by Pvt. Josiah Brown earlier this year, after he was ordered to retrieve slave cables from the motor pool.
“Why do you call them slave cables?” he reportedly asked Staff Sgt. Simon Legree, senior mechanic. “Is it because they’re black?”
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Democrat insiders have expressed their concern about the wellbeing of former Democratic National Committee Chair, Donna Brazile, stating that it is only a matter of time before she joins Vince Foster in taking her own life under suspicious circumstances.
Brazile's apparent suicidal ideation lead her to write "Hacks: The Inside Story of the Break-Ins and Breakdowns That Put Donald Trump in the White House," which is expected to hit the bookshelves tomorrow. The book is rumored to contain some unflattering revelations about Hillary Clinton that should never have been told and which will never be reported in the media after Brazile supposedly commits an involuntary suicide.
Mental health care professionals note that Brazile's irrational conduct in writing the book is typical of a condition known as "Suicide by Hillary." The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) defines "Suicide by Hillary" as 1) Knowing too much, and 2) Not keeping your damn mouth shut about what you know.…
HUGE CAVEAT: This is satire. No claims to knowledge here! A little levity to make fun of some of the stupidity of our self proclaimed leaders.
RAQQA, Syria — The reign of ISIS will soon be at an end, thanks to the latest overwhelming and decisive tactic employed by the US military: An airdrop of hundreds of laptops loaded with 130-slide PowerPoint presentations.
“They’re not even password-protected,” said Adm. Michael S. Rogers, commander of US Cyber Command. “We want them to get in. As every staff officer and senior staff noncommissioned officer knows, lengthy PowerPoint presentations can be fatal.” …
